He who carries Y chrom gets final say?

browneydgrl

Hello all,

I'm feeling a little dejected about the "let's have kids" conversation with DH. We've been together 8.5 years, married last October, and I am really ready to have kids. I'll be 29 in Jan., not that age is as much a driving factor as the feeling of readiness I've had for quite a while. I'm just ready; I can'e explain it, but you may know what I mean. I already had to talk him back from his premise that we would wait 5 more years to have kids (as if). I'd like to start trying ASAP, but he wants to wait about 9 more months and the thought makes me sad. Yes, I could wait, but I feel resentful that because he is so stubborn, he almost always gets his way. I hate feeling that way about him.=(

He wants to be more financially stable and he wants a house first (we're buying in June). He wants. Perhaps I am being irrational and moody and unfair, but I feel like he isn't hearing my fear about not conceiving right away or acknowledging that I should have the final say (if its only a matter of months) since I have to actually carry the child (and others hopefully). 

More than just giving voice to my feelings, I'm interested to know who else has not seen eye to eye with their SO about when to conceive children? How  did it all shake down? 

cinderin

I wouldn't look at it as "the man gets the final say". If he were ready and you weren't, *you* would get the final say. 

The real answer is you both have to be 100% ready.

I will say, my DH and I were married for 8+ years, in our 30s and had owned a house for about 5 years before we were ready. There is no "magic" time. 

For us, we kind of "took turns" being ready :-) I would be ready for a while and DH wouldn't. Then he would be ready and I wouldn't. We each had things that were important to us. 

I will say, being PG and having a newborn is HARD. I was 24/7 sick for about the first 18 weeks of PG. I couldn't go into the grocery store (smell), I couldn't cook, I only wanted to sleep. DH had to take care of me (which neither of us were used to). We had other issues with the PG which were hard. Having a newborn is unreal hard also. Totally sleep deprived, 24/7 needy, weekly changing, emotional... it is hard. 

I absolutely cannot imagine doing it with someone who is not 110% on board. There would be huge resentment, which would effect our relationship and the relationship with the child. 

My advice would be to be patient. A few months will go by quickly. 

 

Uptowngirl2009

I agree with @cinderin that you and your H have to be in agreement. It sounds like he has some valid reasons for wanting to wait. 9 months will pass by really quickly and hopefully you will have more stability in the other areas of your relationship (financial and otherwise).

MRads

Believe me. You want your H to be on the same page as you in the TTC journey. If it is short and sweet, you don't want your H resenting that he became a dad before he was ready.

If it is a longer journey that requires a lot of testing and money, you don't want your H resenting the cost to get pregnant before he's ready.

Either way, you need to be on the same page 100%.

lindsayandjamie

I agree you need to be 100% ready to TTC and be parents. I understand your frustration but YOU need him to be ready to go when baby comes cause cinderin is totally right about it being hard. And you both want to be super excited to start trying. Good luck, and know you aren't alone

sgautschi

I cannot imagine going through pregnancy and parenthood without my DH being on the same page as me.

I waited about 4 years for him to be ready. It was frustrating, but so worth it. I look back and can just imagine how much harder it would have been even a year ago. Because we waited until we were both 100% ready, we are able to enjoy everything, even the middle of the night feedings, because we know we are there to support each other.

ILoveRedVino

Not to be a total downer, and I know I am sometimes, but pregnancy isn't always rainbows and butterflies. And I don't even mean sickness and the typical worries. Sometimes it can lead to much bigger, much scarier, much harder things. I can not even begin to imagine going through those things, and making related decisions, with someone who wasn't 110% on the same page. I really can't think of much worse.

browneydgrl

Thank you all so much for your feedback. Your opinions and experiences have given me a new way to look at this and I feel less panicked and resentful.

TudorRose11

ILoveRedVino said:

Not to be a total downer, and I know I am sometimes, but pregnancy isn't always rainbows and butterflies. And I don't even mean sickness and the typical worries. Sometimes it can lead to much bigger, much scarier, much harder things. I can not even begin to imagine going through those things, and making related decisions, with someone who wasn't 110% on the same page. I really can't think of much worse.

(PR)
This is my opinion too. Pregnancy is hard sometimes and newborns are a challenge. But aside from that, you never know what could happen. I found out I had to have emergency open abdominal surgery at 20 weeks pregnant and almost lost my baby and almost had to have a hysterectomy. I was healthy prior to pregnancy and had no warning signs.

Not that something so shocking would happen to you, but it could. My life completely stopped for that. If my husband was not 100% on board with me about this journey that situation would have been much harder than it already was.

Aimothy

If he wants to wait 5 years, and you don't, and the compromise is waiting 9 months...I think you need to find a hobby to occupy your time.

wiggyslilsis

I think aimothy is right. If he is compromising to 9 mo instead of the five years he wants then you should look at that as a good thing because it will be much sooner than he originally wanted.

I also agree that TTC and pregnancy can be a difficult journey and having a partner that is 100% on board is very important to get through. And Cinderin is spot on about the newborn thing as well. It is difficult and you want your partner in parenting to be in the same page as you.

9 months of waiting is not that long in the grand scheme of things especially if it means a partner who is completely on board.

LittleLady77

What everyone else said.  You also mentioned that he wants to be done buying the house, moving and setting up your finances before you're pregnant... that is also a great idea.  Some women get terribly sick for months in early pregnancy.  Stressing, painting and moving are all things better done not pregnant if you can help it. 

katieg520

I know it's so hard to wait. I always feel ready for things well before my fiance is. I mean, geeeeez, when you know you know, right? Lol... I am also of the belief that if you always wait for "the right time" then it'll never be the right time. BUT, if he is saying 9 months, go with that, but make sure you communicate to him that you are serious in 9 months and no longer than that...

LuckyAngel07

I wanted to start trying about a year after we got married. Unfortunately, I got laid off 2 days before our anniversary, so the conversation was put on hold. It was 9 or 10 months later that I started asking my husband about having a baby. It hurt to hear him say the thought terrified him, and it was extremely hard waiting for him to be ready, but as adults who are in this life together, you owe it to each other to support your partner and help them get where they need to be. More than a year after starting to try, I'm so thankful he's in this with me, because now I have a great support for when things are hard. I wouldn't have that if I'd forced him and rushed him into this just to make me happy.

Put on your big girl panties and realize your husband is compromising big time, so you need to also.

skreedrake

He doesn't get the final say because he is a man... he gets the final say because his answer is no (at least, not right now). "No" almost always gets the final say. He is not ready; unfortunately, you are going to have to learn to cope with that. If you were the one saying no, I'd tell him the same thing.

I know it's hard; trust me, I do. But you shouldn't pressure him into having a child. It is a HUGE life-changer/decision. If he needs more time, please give it to him without pressure. You both need to be on the same page about something SO huge.

In the meantime, try getting involved in something that can take your mind off babies - take a cooking class, see what your local community center has to offer, learn to crochet/knit if you don't already know how. There are lots of ways you can occupy your time so it's not so difficult. 

Good luck!